Why is there a Penis in Everything?

Why is there a penis in everything? In the literary world you cannot interpret two lines of text without stumbling across something that critics will positively insist is a ghostly penis. That bin? A penis. That cat? A meowing penis. That island in the distance? Probably the nib of a giant’s penis. No, the curtains are never “just blue” in a text – they may have a blue hue, certainly, but invariably they are tinged with the shades of Perfect Penis Peach. In this world of critique, even your hair is arguably made up of thousands upon thousands of elongated penis-hairs, sprouting out of your head (likely emblematic of a ballsack) to produce millions of Penis Thoughts.

Yes, the penis is possibly the most famous underground character in all of literature, to the extent in which when reading a book it feels like you are constantly being dick-slapped by imaginary forces on turning through the pages. When writing an essay at university, I came across a critic who interpreted Bag-End as a “womb” and Bilbo’s sword, Needle – would you have it – as AN ALMIGHTY PENIS, with which he supposedly “penetrates” his live-in uterus (likely to be aired on the X-rated version of “A Place In The Sun”) and become a “man”. If we are to think on the same level of ridiculousness as this theory, we may as well say that Dumbledore is metaphorically Dumbledick, and his noise is emblematic of a long, magical penis in which he sniffs out trouble and thus “penetrates” his enemies, or that Scrooge is swept around the hallowed halls of his past, present and future by the ghosts of Dickmas past who choose to haunt him because of his rather dickish persona, making Scrooge, basically, a penis on legs.

Honestly, by the time you’ve finished with all this “penetrating” and “personas” and “penis-ing”, your subconscious must be entirely out of breath. It is as though all readers are unwittingly involved in some mass orgy that the critics have made up for us (um… cheers)? And it’s not just in books, either. The penis – or at least, some sort of phallus – is famously involved within even what is entirely unexpected within the media, such as Disney films. Dear GOD penis promoters, can you not even leave the DISNEY FILMS alone!? Apparently not, for this subtle penis-inclusion has been going on for years (for instance, in “The Rescuers” when the mice are flying past the windows of  houses really fast, if you pause at exactly the right moment you see two people going at it. And in “The Lion King” there are all sorts of dirty messages written in the clouds. The heart weeps). Now I cannot even think about lovely Disneyland as a pure and innocent place, the castle itself appearing to look like a bunch of subtle penises on a block, declaring their dominion over all.

Wasn’t it Freud or someone who said that women suffer from “penis envy”? Well, perhaps the universe is trying to compensate for that by putting a penis in everything. In books, in Disney and in adverts, though everybody knows about that. You can’t even rub the sleep out of your eyes before seeing a penis on the box of your Crunchy Nut Pornflakes. But what if some things actually aren’t referring to a penis? What if some things – God forbid – are metaphorical VAGINAS? Or a PUPPY NOSE? Or a PETIT FILOUS? Nope. It seems like the whole world is suffering from “penis-blindness”, to the point where there are no more absolutely puritanical relationships, for you probably accidentally see thousands of tiny ethereal penises in everything every day. Well it is all a little much for me, and frankly, I think critics and advertisers and Walt Disney need to calm down. Buy some glasses.

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