Life Without The Internet

My blog, recently, has resembled something like the elephant graveyard from The Lion King as of late. This is a fact that I am willing to own up to. Indeed, it’s been in such a state for a while that if you’ve read the past three or four introductory paragraphs of my most recent pieces, they all start off in a similar fashion. Me apologizing, along with a medley of excuses.

Let me begin this one in exactly the same way. I’m a big believer in grovelling.

One of the many reasons that my blog has suffered in recent times is due to the title of this very piece. That’s right – I have been living without the internet. Sans world wide web. I would love to turn around and tell you that I did this by choice – that I felt like I wanted to run, free and wild, in the sun and make daisy chains and learn a cool outdoor rebellious activity such as yarn bombing or the like – but I would be lying. In actuality, I am in-between moving houses, and therefore in-between my internet provider loyalties. A far less thrilling story.

It’s sort of been a mini-journey of self-discovery, except not because I knew exactly how I’d feel during this period, thus what I “discovered” was basically 100% certain to happen. The worst psychic on the globe could have ordained it – I hate life without the internet. How are you supposed to masquerade as a cool, vampiric villain in the half-light of your fridge without bragging rights on all of your social forums? It sucks.

It’s also kind of worrying, learning firsthand how fricking reliant we’ve become on the thing. When you don’t have internet at home, you start desperately scavanging for it elsewhere. If a café doesn’t have WiFi, it’s a dealbreaker – even if they boast the most fiendishly frothy frappuccinos in the whole damn town. It’s not about the frappuccino anymore. It’s about the connection, or lack thereof. And every time you end up logging onto The Cloud (ah, the sweet, sweet Cloud) it’s like a hurricane-strength breath of fresh air. Online! You are online!!! You have access to mind-numbingly boring weather statuses for the next couple of hours!!! Yay!!!

You also learn how much you bloody love Netflix. I live in a TV-less house (I know, I know – I’m pretty much Victorian, with no internet and no TV. I’ll have you know I also cook whole hogs over the flames of a home-built fire and walk up and down my dimly-lit hallway with only a candlestick to guide me, too, like some sort of Scrooge-ian reincarnation) so basically all of my access to films and stuff is via the internet. Which I do not have. We have limited media access at our disposal, having only the Batman trilogy, Generation Kill, the Game of Thrones series, the original Mad Max trilogy and The Lego Movie. Don’t get me wrong – this is all quality stuff – but I’m feeling positive comedies at the moment, and the only thing we have in that genre, really, is The Lego Movie. This has resulted in my watching The Lego Movie about seven hundred times, until ‘Everything is Awesome’ has become burned into my psyche for the rest of eternity, and I suffer from constant night terrors thinking about Cloud Cuckoo Land being burned down to the ground and the Unikitty crying. The silver lining of this, of course, is that I have a new karaoke tune firmly under my belt, which I will maybe recruit an ensemble for as, as we all know, ‘everything is cool when you’re part of a team.’

I can’t download any new games on Steam. This is also a blessing and a curse, as I am now a pro city builder on Banished. I also have a lot of time to spend getting my ass beaten by Super Meat Boy – my arch-nemesis. I am not distracted by the allure of new games. Additionally, without the internet I’m not spending money, which can only be a good thing as my most recent purchase was a fluffy alpaca wearing a graduation cap (I graduated last year… I really don’t need this) which is purely emblematic of my spending priorities.

Yes, life without the internet is strange. Good and bad. On one hand, you treat your 4G like the most precious thing in the world – though really it’s probably stopping you from realizing your full creative potential whilst you live in a communication-less landscape. I bought two books recently in light of this internet-less stint, and have only vaguely read the first couple of chapters of one of them, being more prone to pick up my phone and laugh at The Best of Tumblr than actually read the quality wordsmithing lying on my lap. On the other, you realize how annoying it is to not have all the information you need at your fingertips all the time – Maps (the app) is more invaluable than I ever knew, and finding a recipe or searching for cool clubs (‘cool clubs’ is such a preppy thing to say and I hate myself for it, I’m sorry, my words just typed it before I could stop myself… argh… still typing) is impossible. On yet another hand (not sure how many hands my metaphorical debate-beast has at this point) you learn to enjoy the finer pleasures in life, such as meeting up with your friends (GOD, another generic phrase – someone stop me – oh wait, no you can’t, no-one can reach me without the safe hum of the internet) which I have been doing a lot of, walking around in the sweet sun, going on little train-traipses to nearby towns or cities and crying whilst rocking backwards and forwards slowly with your face against the wall, planning all the ways you will snidely insult the internet provider man, if he EVER gets here, for being so late whilst simultaneously knowing you never will because you’re way too polite to ever do something like that and the one time you complained about something you almost vomited all over the sweet old bank lady.

And you know what’s the most ironic part about this? I’m writing this on WordPad and can’t even share it with you until I have the internet, so by the time you read this, all of the above will be but a memory. And if you don’t have the internet right now either, then you won’t get to read it at all, so I’m not entirely sure who this piece is for. Probably the internet gods, who will read of my plight and then offer me ‘super-fast 4G’ for free, along with a complimentary teatime visit from the one and only Kevin Bacon who I sort of think needs a cuddle but I can’t put my finger on as to why. Perhaps because he is so lean and smiley. But I digress.

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