Flying brings out the worst in me. I am sure I am not alone in this. Flying is not an entirely pleasant experience, after all. For one, it’s mucky. Two, it’s long-winded. Three, you are literally soaring above the ground at a gajillion miles an hour, which is totally unnatural. I’m a human, not a pelican.
A picture of what I am not.
As a result, my body and brain are rather fragile when flying, and I become – simply – the worst (Whitney Houston’s lesser-known B-side). I am impatient, obnoxious, and messy: traits I sit on most of the time while I pretend to the world that I am a perfect person and have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.
This ghoulish behaviour starts the moment I step through the doors of the airport to the moment I step out of the other side, sweating and twitching, into the sun. For instance, while going through security, I always manage to take ages disassembling my bags and removing my three hundred layers of coat and scarf. And when the gate is called, I stand very close behind other people in the queue, breathing down their neck to encourage them to HUSTLE FASTER. And, during take-off and landing, I fill the window with my entire face to watch the plane rising and descending. My face is large. I have real hamster cheeks. The other people in my row probably see a slither of cloud, at best.
Also, most of the time, I fall asleep with my mouth open.
I really am the worst.
But, to be honest, I’m simply fitting the bill. Aeroplanes are asshole central. Nobody, really, is polite – apart from the air hostesses, who I’m fairly sure make voodoo dolls of all of us out of shrinkwrapped bread buns in the back and stab them repeatedly with their hairpins.
We seriously need to establish some rules, here, in my view. So airports – and people who fly a lot – I propose the following.
1. We should refer to each other using only terms of endearment.
Perhaps all this negative juju we carry with us while flying would be dissipated if we spoke to each other in a really sickly sweet manner. We could refer to each other as “dear” and “petal”, for instance. Or as beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk oxes like Lesley Knope in the instructive GIF provided. We could get a little Mike Wachowksi and his girlfriend about it and call each other “googly bear”, etc. Mike Wachowski could seriously run his own school in pet names. (Pretty sure that’s the plot for Monsters Inc. 3 but still waiting for confirmation. Monsters Inc. 3 – Mike Wachowski’s School of Sickening Pet Names.)
2. Let’s say “oh no, please, after you” even when there is no need.
No words are music to my ears more than “oh no, please, after you”. “Oh no, please, after you” are some of the kindest words ever spoken in the English language (and whatever its equivalent is in other languages). “Oh no, please, after you” instantly turns me from being an impatient hag beast to an in-awe musk ox-like person, gawping at the human angel before me. So I think we should say it on planes. Even if it’s totally out of context. It’s beautiful to hear, anyway.
3. Making the walls of planes windows in their entirety.
My face is not the size of a plane wall (unless it is a plane for ants) so if the plane creator people just made the entire walls of planes windows then there’d be no problems. We could all gaze out into the ether in glee. Apart from the people who really hate flying and also acknowledging that they’re flying while it’s happening, who will hyperventilate in their seats until every 10 minutes their neighbour calms them down with a pat on the arm and the sweet words “oh no, please, after you”.
4. Play happy-go-lucky music while boarding.
I could dedicate a whole other blog post to the type of music I would like to hear while boarding a plane, but, to keep it short, I’ll just say that I wouldn’t say no to a little Eurovision 2016, Pocketful of Sunshine or anything off my J-pop favourites list. Listening to something like that would inarguably be better than putting up with the dull hum of the engine and sickly coughs from other passengers. Please do this.
5. Wave us off with giant Pikachus*.
This actually happened once. In Japan. Here is pictorial proof:
I have no idea why they haven’t started doing this globally. There’s literally no way on this earth you can feel bad on a plane when Pikachu is staring through the windows at you with shining, hopeful eyes.
Godspeed, good fellow.
*The inspiration for the cover of this blog post was from typing “Pikachu at the airport”, trying to find a better res image than the one I took, but instead I found a picture of a plane that had his face PAINTED ON THE SIDE. So in case you were wondering: decorated aircrafts as such also get my thumbs up.
6. Install amazing shower / pool facilities on either side.
One of the core reasons I have a grim personality while flying is the thin layer of grime that covers all humans three seconds after stepping into a plane. It’s absolutely unavoidable. The moment those doors have been shut, you are filthy.
Therefore, I propose airports install lovely leisure facilities within Arrivals so that we can throw ourselves into/down deep bubble baths, jacuzzis and waterslides (if the catalyst to your happiness is going down a waterslide, which, for most of us, it probably is) to cleanse us of our ethereal layer of muck. It’s all we need.
7. Give us games.
Please can we start playing games on planes? Or have a games section to go and do that in, so we don’t disturb the other passengers who are all getting along very pleasantly now that rules 1 – 6 have been rolled out. This would be particularly epic combined with point number one, as we would be encouraged to fight each other at Mario Kart / Monopoly / Scrabble etc while calling each other creative terms of endearment like googly bear musk-ox pixie human person, which can only be a good thing. Plus, there is literally no scenario in which Mario Kart is not appropriate. Mario Kart is appropriate always.
If there’s anything you take away from this post, please let it be that.